The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
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We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
how to exercise your calf muscles
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.