Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
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I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS