From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.