creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
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Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me