Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
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hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*