Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
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Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages