My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
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People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
This is a true ally.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true