watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
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Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
lol
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
also my go-to takeaway order
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems