Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die