* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
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I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Finally, an explanation.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.