My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background