Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?