If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
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Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Lol
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.