wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I’m calling the cops.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
#merica
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
i think both sides are to blame here
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD