I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
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I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
new shirt idea
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU