[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
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Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“I FIXED IT!”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3