If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
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sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
My typo game is string.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.