‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
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Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.