In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
You Might Also Like
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.