I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Breaking news:
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.