*puts cutlery down*
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me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Breaking news:
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed