Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
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Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Hot Hot Hot
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
how to exercise your calf muscles
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.