Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
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Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Who knew!
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?