Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
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Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
My plans: 2020:
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then