Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming