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Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Current mood: Potato
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Geez man, take it easy.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL