If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
You Might Also Like
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.