[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
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Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.