You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
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I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
There is no “we” in pizza
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
“and how does that make you feel?”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.