Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
You Might Also Like
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.