“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
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Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women