Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
You Might Also Like
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.