I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Donkey Kong sommelier
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters