Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
You Might Also Like
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.