Dude just wanted a popsicle…
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I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
S/o to @funTweeters .
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”