I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
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me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Canada has crack?
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…