Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
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If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
The Birdles
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely