18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?