Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
did it work
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel