I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Chicken bread
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw