driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man