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Bed should get ready for ME
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
A woman drives into a bar.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
KFC hitting the cannibal market
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?