If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
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my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
In banana years, I am bread.
i dont have time for this
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.