HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
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They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Sharon, call the vet
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.