[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
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[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
A woman drives into a bar.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training