As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
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goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible