Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
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damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
when mom throws a party…
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
How do you like your Corgi?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.