What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
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*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Oceanography is all about current events
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding