I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.