Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
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Owl Sanctuary
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.